The day I celebrate it on my own

It may be one of the most fucked up bday celebration, but if it wasn't the wishes i got from my close friends, it would be just another day passing by. All that fucking arguments i had while living with my family only added salt to the wound. I am seriously getting more and more fed up living under the same roof. I have been independent all these while and not pretty much keen on living in malaysia except the fact that I am bound to a job contract. I am beginning to love my current job, really, but definitely getting tired of staying together with some of my family members....i seriously cannot wait the day i will move out and start my own life in my own house, driving my own car and basically having things my own damn way.


I think it is best if I distance myself from my family. The fewer i see them the better...by doing that, phone conversations would be of something more appreciated and i dont have to deal with all those silly issues. Yet, i know i have my parents to look after.....but then, it's not that i am gonna move far far away....it is still within 10 miles of radius or so...approximately.


I have been having really difficult time trying to think of settling down in malaysia when i was back in the UK. It's not to say that I despise living in my own birth country. I was born here and had my teenage life here. After that I spent like most of my early adulthood in the UK. It was there that i learnt so many things in life, about myself and about appreciating what i am and so on. OK it's fair to say that I found my human angel in malaysia in 2000, thats between my 1st degree years and my PhD years in the UK. I was in msia the whole time in 2000. And after that I went back to the UK and only came back end of 2005.


I may sound like I sooo prefer to be abroad. But after a while, i realised, it's not the UK itself that i desire, it's the freedom i have for so long and have already gotten used to it. It's my own personal liberation, to be able to design my own life the way i like. To be able to decorate and arrange my house the way i feel like. To travel all around, be it in malaysia or abroad whenever i like. Probably i am sounding a bit self-absorbed, but hey, i love it. The more i am further away from my family, the better. Then, my time spending with my family would be some sort of a quality time. And by then, i can make any excuses of fleeing if things got worse.


Earlier on, i went out and bought meself pizza set meal from pizza hut. I couldve just rang them and ordered a pizza delivery. Instead, i just felt like going out for a breather....people in the house may think that i am a me, me, me person, nobody else is correct but me, but on the contrary, i felt as if they undermine me a lot more. I prefer my own piece of mind. I am not one who loves to quarrel...but if the injustice is so unbearable, it freaked me out.

This whole distancing thing reminded me of the hindi movie: Hum Tum. There was this part where Rhea (rani mukerjee) left india and went to paris not because she hated her life in india, but she can just get herself lost amidst paris and amidst the strangers while trying to recuperate from the tragedy of losing her husband. She made her choice such that she could escape any familiar things that might breed greater contempts. UK to me was in some way similar to paris for Rhea but I have still many close friends in the UK. One of the main reasons why i enjoyed my life there was that UK is my main gateaway to travel to many places either to the european side, or crossing the atlantic or probably around the world. If I am working there, and staying single, i could afford to manage my savings by allocating some of it for travelling purposes. That was actually what i did from my bachelor degree years all the way to my PhD years. I really missed that lifestyle.


I missed those days where i could just lay down in the park doing nothing, or sitting somewhere under a tree and reading a novel. I missed those summer and winter sales. I can easily find a pair of jeans that fit me well. I can always target those shoe shops that cater the size i wear. I think all i need now is more money and not just my monthly salary in order to get meself off the malaysian shore and back to where i can find my groove. (damn, that reminds me of that movie: how stella got her groove back)


Pretty sad story for a birthday.