Mother's love

The first few months after i came back from my PhD studies early 2006, things were pretty good between me and my mum. Come a few months later, our relationship were somehow on the rock. It's like an on-off bickering and shouting drama scenes. But the worse one began last February. It was then that I stopped talking that much with my mother. Anger for so many things , frustrations and so on. I knew that I shouldnt be doing the "anak kurang ajar" type but i can be such a temperamental woman.

One time, i went ballistic over something between me and her that I decided to pack some clothes and drove straight to one of my friends house in Puncak Alam. Cruising on my own in the night time down the highway gave some calming feelings, sort of soothing the wounded heart. The faster i drove, the more i get pacified. She probably got worried when she realized that i was still not home yet that she rang my mobile at 5.00am to check on me. I monotonously told her that I was at a friend's house. I reckon no matter what, I am still her daughter and she still concerns about me.

Somehow, all those disagreements and grudges probably aren't meant to be forever especially when it comes to mother-children bonding. Though I am on a better term with my mother, I still don't talk as much as i was during those good old days. One of the highlights during the last ramadhan was when she made the effort of trying to make up with me, her strongwilled, hotheaded, sometimes crazy daughter. I began to slowly rejoicing our relation sensing how she was trying as hard as she can that no matter how kurang ajar i can be, i am more than that. The moment when I was leaving to Melbourne on the second week of Ramadhan (3rd week of september), she just mellowed down remarkably and even packed me iftar dinner as I was going to the airport on my own by KLIA Limo service.


Then, there was the eid fitri. It went on fine between the family members until the third day of Shawal (monday evening). I let go off my steams when i voiced out my yet another major disappointment at how things were poorly managed between us that involved one of my brother in laws. Till today, i don't feel like talking to him at all. I flipped like nobody's business to the point of denying my mother to sit in the front seat of my car and somehow commanding her to join my father in the backseat because i was still totally livid.


Recently, I introduced MJ to her and my father. And since that day, she was more cheerful with me. Sure, I know one of the reasons of all those fucked up times was the fact that I am still unmarried. It's like she's demonstrating her utter worries knowing the fact that 3 of my younger siblings were already married besides my eldest sister.


OK, fuck that. I am getting better and better at being such a melodramatic freak that I think I had to put a stop on that.


Here are some pictures depicting mother's love:

source of the photos: AP Yahoo!

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England won't be making it in the Euro2008! What a shame! Losing to Croatia 2-3 on the qualifying match recently was also the predicament both for the England coach and his assistant, Steve McLaren and Terry Venables as they were sacked almost immediately. Goran Ivanisevic, the former no.2 tennis ace and Wimbledon 2001 champion has predicted it right on the Croatia winning (click here)

Love is perhaps in the air

There were times that i dont think I'd ever have a requited love. Those were the times that I was feeling inferior for some weird reasons.

And then I found my true potentials, and things just keep going on and on.

My times in Bradford were those of:

• Knowing that I am an international person with international (middle-east, indian subcontinent and mediterranean) built physique
• That I knew that I was not actually different, I was just not cut as a typical , far-east small-built people. It wasnt my fault that I was bigger than many of them, its just that i was not exactly appreciating what I am.
• having friends who patiently trying to open up my eyes of how wonderful it is to be a real woman in our own way
• finding myself fitting in a more global society easier that I thought and blending well with the locals
  
• going around the european countries for a month on the euro-interrail backpacking with my closest friend, and she still is one of my closest friends. One of the most unforgettable challenges was to learn a new language as quickly as possible before reaching a new country with the help of that Thomas Cook phrasebook
  
• Met a cute Hungarian man who then became long distance good friend and we still keep in touch
• made friends over the net with a French lad from Pirey, who then found his love while visiting me there (in bradford) and we are also still friends
• When i thought I had my first ever proper boyfriend (SH), who then left me just after 3 months we hooked up due to geographical separations and incompatibility
• Met with another guy while still dating that ex-boyfriend, SH and he fancied me so much. But I left him on the account of loyalty to the ex and on different grounds (that he deserved a girl who truly loves him)
• Going to the cinema was one of the social activities amongst us undergraduate students. Titanic was the first ever movie i watched in the cinema during winter 1997. I've never been to a cinema even in malaysia before that.
• Just like that Wannabe-spice girls song and so does my friendship that never ends with most of the chem-engers bradford as well as some of those in the MISG society.
• It's where I obtained my first degree and my graduation was on the 8th July 1999, one bright, beautiful summer day.
• Got to know and fell in love with London
• Had my first kiss in London with SH.
  

My times in London were that of:

• Progressing myself in my chemical engineering knowledge
• Learning about people, about men more and more
• My first encounter with politics in the department
• Went out on a date with men of different races, creed and background
• Moving around the city almost effortlessly doesn't matter by the public transport as well as driving around
• living on my own
• had some fallouts with friends
• Still in touch with many ex-college friends, where some of them are already confidants
• people perceived me as a local girl
• living on a more posh lifestyle
• rubbing shoulder with the movers and shakers and those Hollywood celebrities
• emancipation and liberation and my own prerogative
• Growing up and embracing the true me
• had my taste of the first proper commitment with the bengal dude for almost three years (first half in the UK and remaining time in malaysia)
• having a sensible gay-radar
• Found a reluctant soul mate in H
• Had mugging experience twice, first managed to retrieve my wallet and the second, I had to lodge a police report for a total loss of the wallet (together with my old IC before that mykad, ,driving license, bankcards etc and a 10pounds note).
• Summer was not a long holiday for me, as I still continued on working on my PhD braving through the sweltering heat and long days.
• French friend came visiting me from time to time all the way from France till he decided to do his Masters degree in UCL and we got to meet more often. And on his graduation day, he invited me to join in the ceremony.
• Hungarian friend came all the way from Budapest with his then boyfriend during his gay-switching year. He now switched back to being heterosexual and finally made it to dentistry school in Romania. I love him dearly and I hope he can come visit me here in malaysia one day.
• Fun years in general. I miss London and it will always be my second home.
  

I've always prayed that whomsoever will be my future boyfriend, will be better than the previous one otherwise it will not live up to my higher standards. I dunno if i actually found one but deep inside i think i do. And especially on the fateful Tuesday night, 20 November 2007, I think now i have understood what Abang Idham and Kak Ruby have been telling me in my previous entry's comment.

When I watched one of my favourite movies: When Harry Met Sally, there was this moment when Sally cried silly having found out that her ex, Joe got married to a girl whom he knew for a short while. All those promises Joe made to her like flying to Rome the next day, and so on never really took place and this reminded me of my other ex, Bengal dude(BD). Except that I don't feel like crying over the ending of the relationship even though he has declared that he is now going steady with another girl. I used to cry for all the uncertainties I had over the years I spent with him (BD) and trying to deny by convincing myself that things will get better somehow. Deep down, i know that BD does not deserve me and the little pride inside me that I can get any single man I want if I want it. Not a big deal. Because I know I am worth it.

May God ease our efforts to learn to love each other more and more.....And one day I would like to hear him (MJ) telling me he loves me from the bottom of his heart on a really special occasion. I've been in and out of relationships, mostly flings, yet I am still able to fall in love once again. Somehow, i dont think I have someone to call my first love yet I remembered my first date back in 1994 and that i shed a few tears for him. I remembered who was the first man ever to give me a bouquet of roses in 1993. I remembered my first kiss in London. I remembered my first time being totally in love in the end of 1999. I remembered my last crush back in 2003. And man have I kept my memories on so many things ups and downs in my life including this Italian man who gave me Aqua di Gio (one of my favourite perfumes) as a present and a token of friendship in summer 2001. On the other hand, MJ can never forget his first love to a woman from within his immediate families (first cousin or something like that) and she has already married with kids. He told me that he can learn to love a new person in his life even though it will take some time.

These three songs are like describing what I feel, somehow, someway:


Song #1: Dealova by Once (on-che):





Song#2 : One of my all time favourite love songs: All my life , by K-Ci and Jojo:






Song#3 :Sleepless in Seattle soundtrack: When I fall in love, by Celine Dion and Clive Griffin:

Good thing my works, research and so on kept me away from being angau (hopelessly thinking) of him except in a good way, like a muse to me. And strange enough, I have found some strength not to utter those "i love you" words to him too. Perhaps i was being careful not to hurt myself with melodramatic, hopefulness moments. What is it to expect anymore? Hope can be tiring but i rather put it into a more positive perspective. Somehow I tend to compare MJ/his situation with those men I would call my old flames and it only made me taking some precautions not to repeat any silly mistakes i have done. I was just being analytical. After all, I am a natural researcher.