The first few months after i came back from my PhD studies early 2006, things were pretty good between me and my mum. Come a few months later, our relationship were somehow on the rock. It's like an on-off bickering and shouting drama scenes. But the worse one began last February. It was then that I stopped talking that much with my mother. Anger for so many things , frustrations and so on. I knew that I shouldnt be doing the "anak kurang ajar" type but i can be such a temperamental woman.
One time, i went ballistic over something between me and her that I decided to pack some clothes and drove straight to one of my friends house in Puncak Alam. Cruising on my own in the night time down the highway gave some calming feelings, sort of soothing the wounded heart. The faster i drove, the more i get pacified. She probably got worried when she realized that i was still not home yet that she rang my mobile at 5.00am to check on me. I monotonously told her that I was at a friend's house. I reckon no matter what, I am still her daughter and she still concerns about me.
Somehow, all those disagreements and grudges probably aren't meant to be forever especially when it comes to mother-children bonding. Though I am on a better term with my mother, I still don't talk as much as i was during those good old days. One of the highlights during the last ramadhan was when she made the effort of trying to make up with me, her strongwilled, hotheaded, sometimes crazy daughter. I began to slowly rejoicing our relation sensing how she was trying as hard as she can that no matter how kurang ajar i can be, i am more than that. The moment when I was leaving to Melbourne on the second week of Ramadhan (3rd week of september), she just mellowed down remarkably and even packed me iftar dinner as I was going to the airport on my own by KLIA Limo service.
Then, there was the eid fitri. It went on fine between the family members until the third day of Shawal (monday evening). I let go off my steams when i voiced out my yet another major disappointment at how things were poorly managed between us that involved one of my brother in laws. Till today, i don't feel like talking to him at all. I flipped like nobody's business to the point of denying my mother to sit in the front seat of my car and somehow commanding her to join my father in the backseat because i was still totally livid.
Recently, I introduced MJ to her and my father. And since that day, she was more cheerful with me. Sure, I know one of the reasons of all those fucked up times was the fact that I am still unmarried. It's like she's demonstrating her utter worries knowing the fact that 3 of my younger siblings were already married besides my eldest sister.
OK, fuck that. I am getting better and better at being such a melodramatic freak that I think I had to put a stop on that.
Here are some pictures depicting mother's love:
Then, there was the eid fitri. It went on fine between the family members until the third day of Shawal (monday evening). I let go off my steams when i voiced out my yet another major disappointment at how things were poorly managed between us that involved one of my brother in laws. Till today, i don't feel like talking to him at all. I flipped like nobody's business to the point of denying my mother to sit in the front seat of my car and somehow commanding her to join my father in the backseat because i was still totally livid.
Recently, I introduced MJ to her and my father. And since that day, she was more cheerful with me. Sure, I know one of the reasons of all those fucked up times was the fact that I am still unmarried. It's like she's demonstrating her utter worries knowing the fact that 3 of my younger siblings were already married besides my eldest sister.
OK, fuck that. I am getting better and better at being such a melodramatic freak that I think I had to put a stop on that.
Here are some pictures depicting mother's love:
source of the photos: AP Yahoo!
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England won't be making it in the Euro2008! What a shame! Losing to Croatia 2-3 on the qualifying match recently was also the predicament both for the England coach and his assistant, Steve McLaren and Terry Venables as they were sacked almost immediately. Goran Ivanisevic, the former no.2 tennis ace and Wimbledon 2001 champion has predicted it right on the Croatia winning (click here)
20 comments:
It sounded to me that you're rather angrier at yrself than yr mother...aku nak nasihat, aku pun tergolong dlm category anak durhaka...tapi ni kira durhaka belakang-belakang...but i'm sure, once you realised what you're actually angry abt, it is much easier to make amend. Si MJ yang u pi introduce kat makpak ni..mamat yang u war-war in yr prev post ke?
MJ = Michael Jackson? :-)
Eh, Manal... don't la fight-fight with your mother... She's an old lady (hope u r not offended when I said old), she may not be as hip and fun as she was younger.
Trust me, I've seen how those who in the past, bickered about their parents are slowly turning to become their parents.. take me for example... I've noticed how sometimes I acted like my mum and dad already..
Anyway, hope you can avoid any future disagreements with your parents, regardless of how sick you feel being targeted at... pardon me for saying this, we don't how long we, or them would be around...
Mothers... hhhmmm..., I can't comment as much. You love them to the max, yet on the other hand, you can't stand them and you wish that you're not in the same room as her. It's very difficult to say. Yes we shouldn't be nusyuz to them and all, but sometimes it's just difficult not to. Especially when you don't see eye to eye on certain things.
Well, I wish you the best of luck. Whatever it is, she is still your mother. Baik buruk, she was the one who gave birth to you, so try to contain the anger and pour your feelings to her. You might just be surprised at what the result would be.
Again.. good luck..!!
Makji psychotherapist,
Yeah i have to admit there were also times that I was a bit messed up meself subconsciously what with that bangsat BD buat hal, my finance status was terrible and i was hitting one of my lowest point in life so far that when woteva "unnecessary" attacks were made on me made me blew my top in the nick of the time!
Thats why to keep meself quiet was one of my ways to dealing with my own frustrations. I was like an active volcano yg suka2 jer nak meledak with any slight change in the magma!
Pisces,
Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it
No one wants to be defeated
Showin' how funky and strong is your fight
It doesn't matter who's wrong or right, Just beat it!
There goes your old Wacko Jacko!
If u wanna know, i cried to sleep over my disputes with my mother each time we had those volatile moments....
Ija,
Deep down, i wanna hug her and plead sorry for whatever hurtful things i have ever said. But selagi i live under the same roof, another drama bound to happen, so i better try to steer clear from anything that might cause another "eruption". Esp that ade 1 or 2 or so hamba allah that was one of the causes that has made me acted like some incorrrigible person!
Hi Manal, saw your callsign over at Ruby's.
Wow, regret to read of your slight home problems.
I guess sometimes its hard for mothers to see our way as they born in the days of the Morris Minor or when the Japanese came to Malaysia, not to sell Toyotas, or Hondas, but carrying flags and yelling, "Banzai"!
Whatever it is, we only have one mother...
Your mom is a never ending song in your heart of comfort, happiness, and being. You may sometimes forget the words, but you will always remember the tune.
You keep well, Manal. Best regards, UL.
-that's why i don't live with my mom
-that's why i don't call her on her phone for months
-that's why i go back to her house only once a year.
the pieces man is right though. no matter how much u think ur mother is wrong on certain issues, the older u get, the more u be like her. u are after all ur mother's daughter, so keep that in mind.
moms are often set in their ways. not much we can do to change that. what we can do in fact is just to work our way around what we don't like about them and finding a middle ground somewhere. confrontations aren't always good. we may be able to let things out and feel free. but guilt will come soon after, and mostly, the wound will scar. maybe she won't mention it, but it's there.
as my own mom is getting older and become more frail each day, i can't help agonising over how i've wronged her all these years. sure, she still bug me regularly whenever she calls but i try not to let it bother me much anymore. she is my mother after all, and i love her so.
hope u can find some way to sort out your unresolved issues with ur mom.
Welcome to my biasa-saja blog, Uncle Lee!
Did she really shouted banzai? she mustve been a very fiesty lady.
U r right, Uncle Lee, but somehow we are also individuals. Regardless of our shortcomings, I'd fly as swiftly as I can if my mum's feeling sick.
Thanks for your kind wish.
Hello Manal,
Sorry to hear your episodes with your mum.
I think this is a case of both parties being overly stressed out ( which is quite common in our society..the small minded society that we have to put up with). I do understand your mum's predicament as we are in a shame driven society and she simply does not know how to articulate her angst in a more acceptable manner for you. Poor lady. Poor you too cos you're exposed to the both the East and the West, just like me where we can say hang the society. But not your mum, she unfortunately, my dear, can't just say 'hang society'.. that's the way it is with our elders!!
So now I hope with this wonderful turn of event, things can get better between the two of you who I know love each other dearly..kalau tidak tak lah kelahi..ha ha. Kita selalu macam ni with people closest to us. Just take it easy on yourself lah. It will work out. All of us have angst over this and that. Biasa lah. Thanks for sharing so honestly! You brave girl..
Sue,
So many things happened yet those wounds do not seem to heel as fast as i had wanted them to be whenever there's another misunderstanding occurred. And things may have gotten worse especially when i felt like as if there's no one to defend me and i was left all alone in my own predicaments.
One of our last silly arguments was about her putting more concerns on making sure her sons and daughter inlaw get their share of food first and not those at home? I pon mengamuk la with all these silly food rationing? Might as well kua makan jer kan?
I know la it's not easy how to deal with anak yang tak kawen and anak2 yg dah kawen. But somehow, whenever the married couples got more privilege, it really buggers me off! macam diskriminasi sungguh! U r right on not living with them under the same roof, but knowing my "overprotectiveness" towards my parents regardless whatever, i dont think i can part with them and not talking with them that long!
sue, I meant heal, not heel! Tu la kan, tulis tengah2 emosi ala2....
kak Ruby,
It aint that easy being a mother, and it aint equally easy being a grownup daughter.
You are spot on when it comes to the kelahi part with those closest to us. In no way am i implying that my mother is doing her best job nurturing us and all. She is after all without doubt one ibu mithali having brought up 9 children where 6 of us are university graduates (2 of whom with PhD and 1 with masters degree), the 6th and the 8th in their final and 3rd year medic respectively, and the 9th will undertake her PMR next year.
Yet, disagreements are bound to happen even in a happy and stable family. Lagi la dengan I yang suka melawan ni whenever i'm defending my own rights and principles. I had the feelings that many would naturally side with the mother and that the daughter had had to be more patient and compromising. Sure both of us hurt during those heated moments but somehow, deep inside, my mum thinks i'm like a hard as nail person who somehow can be a bit selfish knowing that there are other (married) siblings who arent as independent as me? So not wanita melayu terakhir is it?
And you are also right on that shame driven society. It can be tormenting to parents esp that they would wanna see us all successful and leading a so-called ideal life where marriage is one of the ultimate things that completes one's life.
kak ruby....masalah sungguh! what i meant was:
in no way am i implying that my mother is not doing her best job nurturing us and all.
typos happen la. fret not. :-)
speaking of food, it's the same with my mom, although it has nothing to do with whether u're married or not. My oldest sister, which is my mom's firstborn & fav child will get everything she wants to eat. I've seen her hunt high & low for off-season ketam or some other things and have it prepared for her anak kesayangan in record time, whilst I'm still waiting for the emping kerabu (my fav kedah snack made from emping beras) i requested some 3 years ago. Don't think I'm gonna get it anytime soon. *sigh*
nama aje anak bongsu, tapi mak tak sayang.... huwaaaaaaaa!
but manal, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Sometimes, all it takes for mother-daughter relationship to be improved is when the daughter move out. (Cis.... aku ni menghasut pulak ye? hahaha)
betul nih, u can still bermalam rumah mak bapak all the time, but knowing that u don't live there anymore will make her appreciate u more, and you yourself will see her in a different light...
(ni la contoh anak tak kenang budi dok pulak menghasut org lain jadi macam dia)
ok lah manal, jangan ikut cakap i.
:-)
Dear Sue,
I've already bought a house you see, but i plan to refurbish it next year inshallah. Need to apply another loan for it.
Yupp, likewise, mi casa is mi casa and my parents house pon mi casa jua except that i share it with my family. I am the lord and the master of my own house therefore,woteva things necessary is by my own will and authority. Probably your elder sister pon macam my other sisters, those that my mum think they need more attention than me. Agaknya la disebabkan i jarang sangat minta apa2, and i can do my stuff on my own, kua shopping on my own unlike them, that made me a hard (and sometimes bitter) woman?
"On my own" has been like my prerogative and my thing since i was barely over 1 year old. My mum said i spent time on my own drawing and so on while she looked after my 3rd sister who's a year younger than me and that my eldest sis, 4 years older didnt fancy joining in my fantasy world.
Oh well, I reckon no matter where i am, i will make sure that my parents and family are doing well.
salam manal! (u're much2 younger than me but u displayed awesome maturity in yr writings)
i've seen u around and been to yr blog but i was one of those silent readers.
yr "difficult" relationship with yr mom is almost identical to my own mom and my youngest sister. their relationship is - volatile if that is what i can call it. both are strong-headed and "keras hati" in their own ways.
but i agreed with the rest of other bloggers' comments that we only had one mom in this world. i used to be some sort of anak derhaka (suka menjawab..hehe) to my mom before and all she could muttered was - wait till u become a mother yrself!
oh boy, was she right on the dot! i had 2 doters myself and both also suka menjawab to me whenever i get mad at them for something they did wrong. and they're not even teenagers yet! arghhhh!
i guess what i'm trying to say is, be cool and forgiving to yr mom as she is to u. mothers always do that thing. that's their primary job function - membebel, berleter and pot pet pot pet all the times. i should know coz i'm a mother myself.
may i suggest a book titled "my mother, my self" written by nancy friday. it explores the complexity relationship between mothers and their daughters.
have a nice frolicking day!
Salam kc,
Volatile, strong-headed and keras hati: that are a few things that attributed to the rocky relationship. Especially for a mother with many children, and son and daugher inlaws and grandchildrens. The main cause wouldve been the ketidakadilan and berat sebelah.
Sure, I am trying as much as i can but the only thing i can think of to loosen up any tension was resorting to my own quiet world and later on, my own place. But that would be at the cost of being one of the last persons to know whats going on and so on. I am bitter up to the point of not wanting to celebrate my birthday with my family members two years in a row.
Forgiving I am, but forgetting I am not.....
By the way, on a lighter note, thanks for dropping by all these while. KC ni peminat Aishwarya Rai ke :-D
Yup, mothers..
Can't live without them
Can't live with them
(and I AM living with mine now!)
Had a few fights with my old lady too over the years and one even thru smses since we were not on talking terms for a few days (thank god for the technology!).
But whatever our disagreements were, we would start talking to each other again after a few days (and most of the times, pretended that the fightings never existed!)when both parties have calmed down and came to our senses. Of course, being strong-headed as we both are, no apologies were ever uttered, except on hari raya...kira all-in-one mintak ampun la..hehe..
One thing for sure, whenever I am angry at her I would remind myself that she once told my ex mother in law that if she had a gun, she would have shot my ex on the head for all the things that he has done to me... how cool is that? hehe..that's a sign of true mother's love, would you agree? :)
Ryzah,
Welcome back from your indochina (vietnam was it) backpacking trip.
Yeah, no matter what, they are our mother. They'd get worried sick n so on if anything happened to daughters like us.
Totally agree! our problems with her are personal but if mana2 mangkok ayon makes our life miserable, they wont hesitate to blast that SOB or whoever straight away. But part yg busan skali ialah ungkit2. Marah mcm mana pon i nih, ntah pasal ape tah, kalau my mum mintak tolong or anything, i'd do it. Am i subconsciously and naturally anak taat or what?
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